Poem — Insomnia
It’s 3:00 in the morning
and I can’t sleep
I face the void
with the same passion
that Jude faced the crucifixion of Christ
Dumb
utterly dumb!
In the daydreams of a restless silence
my mind flirts with suicidal ideas
revealed would bring more misery to the world
In the dawn of my thoughts
the universe bends over my will
and my mind won’t shut up for a second
On the outside
I’m an apathetic man
cold as if never thinking of anything
silent as a dumb man who sold his soul to the devil
I get up and go to the bathroom
I look in the mirror at the figure of a dead man
What is death for those who have never lived?
In that room alone
I am god
about a kingdom of cockroaches and contempt
From my windows
I hear the birds sing but it’s impossible
last time I looked the clock was three o’clock in the morning
I open the windows in fear
and I see a street full of people of all kinds
The noise of the chains
on your feet makes me crazy
It’s no use shouting to warn you
they can’t see them or hear them
I spent the whole night thinking
and I didn’t see the time go by
I should be surprised
but it happens every day
I close the window so you
don’t hear the chains
or the cries of the gods
crying out my name
I live alone
I turn my phone off
so no one will look for me
I go back to bed
where I drown all my feelings
sharing my pains with nothing
And before I know it
I get sick every day
with the curse of living
I should call my parents
and tell them it’s okay
but they died when I was sixteen
and since then
I am alone in the world
All my friends have gotten away
from me but I can’t blame them
Who would befriend an insane man?
I think about suicide every day
the first time I thought I had twelve
I get out of bed
and tie a sheet to the top of the room
And stare at myself hanging
with my feet Trying to touch the ground
but it was too late to pray
the devil had touched my soul
It’s 3:00 in the morning
and I can’t sleep…
- Gerson De Rodrigues
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